One for the Road

So, I threw out the idea earlier in the week that I wanted not to complain for an entire month. About anything. I have received lots of responses from folks who think that although it is not a brilliant plan for them, I should of course embark upon this self defeating journey all on my own. So, if I am to begin this journey you have to know 2 important things. This blog will be far less funny. Assuming it ever was funny to begin with. I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I just don't think no complaining will compliment that. Secondly, I am truly going to consider it a success if I even make it a week, much less a month. I can't cross it off my list, but I would feel pretty good about it. But if I blow it the first day, there is no do over, I am not going to endlessly reset the ticker. That being said, I may use the last 2 blogs of July to complain non stop and get it out of my system.

So lately I have been driving to a gym in a neighboring town to take water aerobics. I have lost some weight recently and I know from experience that water exercise is the best way to get toned up, especially for someone like me with crackly knees and weak ankles. And? What's more? I LOVE it! It is the only exercise I have ever done that I actually like and look forward to. The gym I just joined has a great indoor pool and there are probably at least 30-40 women in all the classes I have attended, possibly more. I don't know anyone yet, just people I have commented to who are nearby while we work out.

On Tuesday I decided at the last moment to go on and attend the 8:30 am class, thinking it might be less crowded than the after work classes I had been to previously. So I arrived 2 or 3 minutes late, and had to take the only available spot which was near the shallow side. Not really as deep as it should be for me, but it would do. As I was doing the first several warm up exercises the instructor was directly in front of me and I began to notice ... chatter. Incessant, non-stop talking coming from directly behind me. And when you're in a pool the echo is huge, so it was almost like it was coming from every where at the same time.


"Try to ignore, get in the zone, breathe, ow! that hurts, stupid knee, keep on working..." Still, coming from behind me was "...then you use kuuuul whiiiup, and you laaaayah iuuut in a biiiig glass bowlh." in a drawling southern accent. (sometimes I forget I am back in the south) Oh, my gosh. They are EXCHANGING RECIPES BACK THERE!!!!!????? good grief. "Jumping jacks, jumprope, ok, just ignore them. Kick right, Kick left..." Then we have to turn to the side. And the ladies who were behind me are now beside me and I get to see them. In all their glory.

There, standing beside me, basically just splashing their hands around in the water, are two genteel southern women of (I am guessing here based on their necks, ladies you know what I mean) somewhere in the late 70's range. Silver hair, both of them looking like they still go in for the weekly wash and set. Full faces of makeup, I am talking eye shadow, blusher, mascara, and of course, red lipstick which is always required (or at least recommended) for water aerobics. "We-uhhl it's the pah-rehut-zuls that make it soooh goo-uh. Sawlty and sweet, yoooo knoow?" They are just walking in place and calmly skulling their hands on the top of the water, like two 3 year olds in the kiddie pool.

Now, it gets interesting. We are supposed to jumprope while moving to the right, which of course puts me on a crash course with these two cool whip divas. In order to avoid slamming my giant body into Lady A's bony old body, I have to jumprope backward (no easy feat once momentum is going) and around them and continue on to the right. By the time they realize that no one is around them, we are all at the opposite end of the Olympic sized swimming pool. They slowly meander toward our end of the pool, skulling and talking non stop. I realize that literally, someone is going to have to body slam them or kick them or something to wake them up. It just might have to be me.

I am thinking "jump rope, cross country ski, move forward, move back, keep going, just ignore them, serenity now, serenity now." We are now skipping back toward the other end of the pool which puts me in the unfortunate position of being behind them. I move at the break neck speed of a turtle in mud until I see an opening and speed around them to the left. "jump rope, touch heels, kick left..." they just keep on talking, skulling, walking in place, and are now embroiled in a round of church gossip, oblivious to all that is going on around them. It is to the point that the instructor is now laughing hysterically at their cluelessness. They are completely clueless. Then I hear one of them say "Way-uhl, I tahlked to Mu-thah last niii-ght? And she said it storhmed bahd over theah."


My thoughts? "kick left, kick right, jump, jump... Mother? MOTHER? Exactly how old must her mother be? My gosh...now I am listening to them. I am going to lose it. They need to shut up. Right now. shut up shut up shut up. I literally think my head is going to explode. Yep. That's what's about to happen. Oh, well, at least I am in the pool so the cleaning lady won't have so much work to do. Although Al Gore  will curse me for wasting all this water in the event the pool has to be drained. Maybe they can just scoop it out. I bet? When my head explodes? They don't even STOP TALKING THEN!!! They will be all like 'wehl, myh myh did you see tha-aht? That reminds me of a casserole at church paht luck last week. First, you take some Ritz crah-kers...' AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH. cross country ski, cross step left, cross step right..."


So I made it through the class, and obviously my head did not explode. I would at least hope something would have made it on the evening news had it done so. But I just can't help wondering how it is, when I have to budget endlessly to even be able to pay gym membership (thanks again Renita for the great family deal!) for a workout that I need desperately to get back in shape, there are people who can come use it not even to work out but as a social club. Ladies, I have news for you. If you can carry on an entire 45 minute conversation, while you are working out, YOU ARE NOT DOING DIDDLY SQAT TO WORK OUT YOUR BODY. Just go to Starbucks or Shoney's or where ever is the "IN" place for  chatty 70-somethings to hang out. Get some coffee and trade your recipes, gossip about everyone in church and talk about your mom and kids. Just GET THE HECK OUT OF MY POOL!!!!!!! You are doing yourself no good just splashing around in there and taking up space that I could use for my high kicks. Honestly...