Home is where.....

So periodically I participate from here and there across the interwebs. I'm the worst sort of lurker lately. I used to have time to participate 100% in everything and now it's just hit or miss.

But, I love the Stream of Consciousness Sunday over at Jana's blog and I really try to participate when I can because she always has goodness over there. Here's her post idea for this week, so here goes. Set a timer and riff on it for 5 minutes.

Today’s post needs no real introduction. There are places we all feel are “home” even if they’re not physically our homes. They invoke emotion in us that can’t usually be put into words, but today we’re going to try. Today’s (totally optional) prompt: Going Home

 When I was younger, we moved around a lot. So home always meant something different. Mostly it meant family though. Because we were always in a different city, had a different house. I never had the house with the pencil marks on the doorway, marking my brother and my growth.

But as an adult, living with my husband in Nashville, I always sort of thought "home" was where our stuff was. Like when you're on vacation and say I want to go home. Well, you mean your house, to sleep in your bed and smell the familiar smells and cuddle up on you own sofa to watch tv.

Until we moved to Pennsylvania, I believed this. However, once we were there, I never stopped saying "I want to go home" and he'd say, "oh, you're ready to go?" meaning leave whereever we are and go back to our house. but I meant Nashville. Home.

It's where I was at 18. It's where I was in my 20's. It's where I grew up, had bad and good things happen, learned to drive in traffic,  had my first apartment. When we would come to visit I felt like I was seeing a lover I'd missed for years and not realized it. I love that city. It's home. And I'm not back there yet, but home isn't so far away now....

Dear...well....everyone,

I have a lot on me right now. I am dealing with a work situation where I'm doing two full jobs. I have more responsibility than I ever expected or wanted. I am stressed out. Beyond the limits of what I ever in my life imagined stressed out to be. So. far. over the edge.

I wake up thinking about work. I got to bed thinking about work. For the past month I've worked at least partial days seven days a week. I come home and check email and upload pictures. I work 12-14 hour days when I need to and take off days if and when I can.


I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep a night-which for me is NOT enough. I'm not the most pleasant person to begin with. I'm gonna be bitchy and snappy and dismissive. It's just gonna happen. I'm stress eating, or else I would be an alcoholic by now.  I can't wear any of my clothes from last summer. I fantasize about running away sometimes.

So. When I'm a little grumpy? I know you'll forgive me. Instead of being smart back, or yelling back, or being otherwise hateful and getting mad at me, please try to show the least bit of empathy for my current situation, especially when you work with me and know what I'm going through.

If I actually ask for your help with something? Please help. It takes a lot for me to ask for help. I don't do it very often. And when you dismiss me and just flat out say no? Well, that makes me less willing to ask next time. And it makes me a little angry. Which will make you mad at me. And it is much more helpful to me for you to take an hour to help than you just being mad at me.

Love,
Marsha

p.s. I am not looking for any sympathy comments here, my life isn't worse than anyone's and I don't post this to win any votes, contests, or anything else. It is what it is and I'm dealing with it. I just have to vent sometimes.

What am I thinking?

I'm trying something new this week. I dunno I just woke up. Saw Jana's post and I've wanted to try SOC Sunday for a while but I never had the courage. Five minutes of stream-of-consciousness writing? Brain-dump? Like I usually reserve for my journal, certainly not what I put up on my blog. But here it is.


My moment in time is now.

This morning I woke up thinking about work. It seems every morning lately I wake up thinking about work. I've had things put on me that I've had neither the experience nor the training to be ready for, and it makes me angry. Angry. Angry.

I'm doing it. I'm finishing the paper every week. I'm play-acting editor. Because I have to, not because I think I'm remotely qualified. I won't win any awards, I won't get any recognition but it is getting done.

This is hard for a perfectionist person like me. I don't like doing things, especially public things, until I'm confident in what I know. Doing this week after week is making me angry. Angry. Angry. It's making me tense. It's making me boring. It's making me ... well, a bitch. To put it mildly.

No one. No one. Gets it. Not really. Their days can go on as normal, basically. They can miss the person and be outraged that he was fired. I'm stuck with his work and with being angry with him.

I'm the kind of girl....

I used to blog about things I did or saw every day or people who made me laugh or shake my head. My life right now is just too complicated for my blog postings. Too much back story. However, on a happy note, my work right now is amazing inspiration for a book.

So my blogger-writer-tweeter-book of face-published-damn-author friend Lance did a blog post about what kind of guy he is. I really enjoyed reading it and thought it would be a great idea to use that as inspiration for getting me back into regular blog posts. It's also an amazing way to get to know people.

So here goes-a fascinating (though unsolicited) look into the real me:

I'm the kind of girl who should wear a warning sign. Specifically "Ensure coffee delivery before engaging in conversation." Or maybe something like "contents are not what they seem."

I am the kind of girl who believes that people owe one another a basic amount of respect. It's not to be earned, it's to be lost. That being said, I'm also the kind of girl who won't forgive easily when you've pissed on me.

I'm the kind of girl who believes that everyone on this earth should be equal. It's something that was instilled in me since my days as a little girl in church singing "Jesus loves me." As an adult who is non-religious (humanist/questioning/agnostic/atheist)  I realize singing that song, and taking it to heart as I often do vs. things I heard and saw those adults in my church say or do in life....well, it is a prime example of the disconnect I felt while I was in religion.

I'm the kind of girl who shakes my head and/or roll my eyes at couples who say "we do everything together." That's just. not. right. And don't get me started about sharing an email or facebook page. That's not rooted in love, it's rooted in jealousy and control. Just sayin'.

I'm the kind of girl who believes in that overwhelming, explosive, passionate, take-your-breath-away, all-consuming type of romantic love.....but also knows that isn't the kind of love to last you a lifetime. That kind of love? It's much deeper, constant, steady.

I'm the kind of girl who says things like "I will kick his (her) ass," while sitting at an opera or a play.

I'm the kind of girl who has always gotten along better, and been closer friends, with guys than girls. Bitches be crazy. Also, I'm apparently the kind of girl who says things like "bitches be crazy."

I'm the kind of girl who can't take a compliment, I feel sometimes like people are making fun of me. i.e. "Your hair looks great!" me "What's wrong with my hair?" or "I love that dress!" me: "Well, it's a little tight on my hips."  I know, it's messed up. I'm sure there's someone in my grade-school years who instilled this belief and I'm pretty sure I know what her name was.



I'm the kind of girl to whom integrity is utterly important. I like people who are what they say they are, who act what they speak, and who show the same person to everyone in their life. Because that is who I struggle to be every day. I am not nice all the time. I'm not nasty all the time. But anyone, anywhere can be on either side of me.

And by the way, I am the kind of girl who is opinionated, passionate, strong, determined, open minded, and honest about who I am. What kind of girl/guy are you?

Complexities

Every time I look at my blog these days I do it with regret. I have ignored Tinfoil Magnolia for a long time now. Not purposely, but life gets busy.

When I first started blogging, there was a purpose. It was an outlet, a place for me to write and communicate and enjoy it. When I went to work full-time at the newspaper, writing became a part of my full time job and that became an outlet of sorts.

And then there's the matter of time and inspiration. More time at the job equals less time for creative writing. And less time equals inability to wait for that inspiration, which for me is important. I'm at my creative best in the mornings. Sundays, when I used to get up and blog and write 100 words, have now become the refuge for me to write feature stories or anything else work related that I can't do at the office.

It isn't that I don't have a use for my blog anymore. I have about a dozen posts that I've started and never finished in the past few months. I'm just struggling to make it work and struggling inside my own head. I start out writing with a purpose in mind. I get interrupted. I forget where I'm going and leave a half-finished post hanging until I "remember." Just like I've done right now. Too many clicks over to answer an email or a Facebook message and it flies right out of my head.

Anyway, the past couple weeks have not been great for me, but I have to admit. I am feeling incredibly grateful. For my life. For the people in it. For my beliefs (or lack of in some cases) that seem to always cross the mainstream. For those who accept me because or in spite of it and for those who reject me because of it.

For my lifes partner M who is always there for me no matter whether I deserve it or not. For having my best friend, (also M), with me every day. His respect, love, consent and forgiveness are all I need in my life. For not having to please anyone, but wanting him to be proud of me.

For new friends I've made over the past year who have made my life a lot better. While I don't surround myself only with those who are like me, it's amazing to have two ladies who can think as I think and tell me what they really feel.  Who can show me a different side of life and how to cope. Who have been through (and are going through) things I never had to go through.

I am thankful for all of these things today. And more. In the past 60 days I made it through my tonsillectomy, mom through her bypass surgery. Husband's sister and mom are recovering from their surgeries. It's been 2 weeks since my boss was unceremoniously fired and I have made it through 2 editions of the paper (with help from others in the office) and hey. The paper went out. On time. Who would have thought?

Although I haven't pulled as much overtime as I would have thought, I am utterly stressed at the thought of what I'm doing right now, and the thought of screwing something up or doing something wrong. Half of me worries and the other half says "it is what it is" (my school friend Amanda will love me saying that) what gets done first is the important stuff and the other stuff will have to ride.

Still, I fight between feeling heartbroken for him (which gets less and less) and knowing that sometimes we make our own bed when we do things we shouldn't. I believe first and foremost in taking personal responsibility and owning your actions by accepting consequences. So that makes it hard.

I also fight with anger that his actions have resulted in the rest of us having work piled on as a result. And the way all of this likely affects his family and kids. And the anger of how easily things can be swept under the rug in a small town. Actually, shock for that last one.

So needless to say, I am out on the edge right now. If ever I need an outlet it is now. I'm tired of being nice and smiling and I'm tired of feeling guilty when I am cross with people who waste my time. I am tired of being told by christians that I need church to be good when sometimes I (the atheist) am the only one who is practicing appropriate behavior.

I am tired of listening to small minded people and their small minded theories. I am tired of the straight white American male having all the power, and I am tired of everyone else just handing it over. I am tired of women handing over decisions on our bodies and health issues and our reproductive health to the government while simultaneously being outraged that they won't be able to carry an assault rifle. I mean W. T. F. is that all about????? I am tired of gun nuts, wing nuts, religious nuts, misogynists and good ole boys.

And if you read this and say these don't exist, you're in denial or you're on that list.

So, I'm grateful. I'm tired. I'm angry. But I'm thankful. And I think I have a right to feel all of these things.

Resolute

I am only making one New Year's resolution. NO New Year's resolutions. Ever.

I just don't do it anymore, I don't believe in it. Oh, sure, I used to sit down each and every Dec. 31 and make a list of what I wanted to change in the New Year. The possibilities open to me were endless on that last day of the year. And like with everything in my life, I over committed.

Which means I failed, because no one could ever have kept all those resolutions.

Today I happened upon a blog when I was searching for details on a project I was doing. I was reading her current post, it was a blog I hadn't seen before and someone I don't know. But I glanced down the list at past blog posts and saw one titled "Resolutions 2011: No dessert for a year." Needless to say that caught my attention.

"Wow!" I thought. "No dessert for a whole year? I can't even imagine." I was fully prepared to be impressed that she had actually done it. Gone an entire year without dessert. Not on a birthday, or easter or July 4 or Thanksgiving. No cake, ice cream, pie, or pudding? Wow. That's a serious commitment. So I clicked on the post.

It was dated Feb. 28, 2011. "I have given up on the no desserts for a year."

Yep, that sounds about right.

It turns out that really what she wanted was weight loss. And giving up desserts wasn't getting her there. This was interesting to me because I know when I used to make resolutions they were always so very specific. And I know people tell you when you set goals they have to be specific-heaven knows I took enough seminars and classes when I was in real estate to learn that.

But sometimes I think we have to really think about why we want what we want. Because honestly? I don't think we're ever honest about it with ourselves or anyone else, for that matter.

Why do I want that new purse? Because I want a purse like all my friends carry.
Why do I get those new boots? Because my co-worker wears boots all the time and looks so cute.
Why do I think I should exercise? Because all the cool/fun/cute/popular girls do it.
Why do I want to lose weight? So boys will notice me. So I can wear that cute dress. So I can be smaller than my friend. etc., etc.

On and on it goes. Now there's nothing wrong with any of these things. But I think the issue is we aren't honest with ourselves about the WHY.

So I looked up the word resolution. It is a noun, a thing. A decision. Well, I've NEVER been good at making those!

resolution n.

1. the act or an instance of resolving

2. the condition or quality of being resolute; firmness or determination

3. something resolved or determined; decision

4. a formal expression of opinion by a meeting, esp one agreed by a vote

5. (Law) a judicial decision on some matter; verdict; judgment

6. the act or process of separating something into its constituent parts or elements

(I'm leaving out the medical, musical and legal definitions)

Then, on a whim I looked up resolute. An adjective.

resolute adj.

1. firm in purpose or belief; steadfast

2. characterized by resolution; determined a resolute answer

From Latin resolutus, from resolvere

Hmmm. Firm in purpose or belief. Now that sounds like me. It's more an attitude than a decision. And I have attitude. So I was thinking that perhaps adopting a resolute belief in what I want accomplished, then changing my actions to get there might just be the way to go.

Pick the big goal, the end game, the final outcome. Your path might change throughout the year as to how it is accomplished. But keep the resolute faith that you will accomplish it somehow.

For example in the above resolution, the end result she wanted was weight loss. Attack that with a resolute attitude. Try changing diet, try exercise, keep pushing until it's gone, yeah? I don't know. I just feel like resolving to not eat dessert for a year is a losing proposition whereas remaining determined to be healthy and taking steps in that direction is much more easily accomplished.

Either way, I am going to adopt a resolute attitude to change the things about myself that are a worry to me. I will do the best I can during the year this year. My blog needs attention, I need to finish my novel, I have to stop over committing, I should learn to enjoy some down-time, I want to improve my mental outlook. All of these are things that are in my control.

But what do I know? A friend called me out the other day on my commitment issues and you know what? She is totally right. So maybe this is just a way to dodge another commitment.

What do you think? Honestly....

Manly what???

I have several email accounts. I'm not so sure I'm very different from most people. I have my work email, my personal email and then a couple of "junk" email accounts. I know you all know what I mean.

They didn't start out that way. I might have really intended to use my gmail account when we dropped Comcast and I knew I'd need an alternative. Whatever. But then, you sign up for a couple newsletters online. Or enter a contest. Or get a "frequent buyer" card somewhere and they need your email.

I don't want to have all that coming to my work email. And if it went to my personal email well, I'd never see my important personal messages for all the spam and advertising and such. So, my gmail became the toss away email that I just use for registrations, contests, giving to strange men at the liquor store. What? Like we all don't do that.

I don't ever really really check that email. I open it almost every day. Anything I can see on my screen I'll scan to see what looks interesting, but I never scroll down past the first few messages. It has to be something to really catch my attention.

So, you can pretty much guarantee that if I'm going through my email and I see a subject line that reads "Manly cat photos" I'm gonna click on it. I mean seriously? Manly cat photos? I have got to see what that's about.

Visions of cats in 3 piece suits danced in my head. Cats driving race cars or on the gridiron. Perhaps playing poker or hockey.

What I found? Was this:

 and this:  

and even more disturbingly, this:

He's wearing a bow tie. Not even a scaled down one,  a big giant floppy bow tie. Oh, the humanity.

Well, just go here and check them all out. Somehow, I think CALLING them manly somehow makes them even less manly. And just, well, disturbing. I think "Men and cats" could suffice as a title.

And I don't want to take anything away from the photographer. She looks like a super-cool chick, and they are all staged and lit impressively. I just personally find them to be disturbing. Oh, so, disturbing. Especially the one with the kitchen scene.

Stay classy, internet. As for me I'm gonna go order me some "Dogs playing poker."