My Holly-daze

Woke up before day break yesterday and wrote this:
It is a cold and snowy morning. The day after Christmas. I have been awake since 4am, lying in bed. I made a serious attempt to return to sleep, but eventually tired of fighting it. I got up, started coffee and stood at the front window, looking out over the moonlit snow. It is so beautiful and peaceful out there. Snow laden shrubbery and and trees glisten in the lamplight, there are still white Christmas lights on at the house across the street. Yesterday, though our yards remained covered, the roads were clear. This morning, however, they are covered over with a fresh layer of snow.

I have a lot to think about this morning, not the least of which is how to be a better person. I have a strange temperament, subject to wild swings with no warning whatsoever. Not everyone gets me. Probably at 40 I should have learned to mask this somewhat but I like who I like and protect my friends and family with a fierce loyalty. If you mess with my family or friends, I am likely to write you off forever.

I am not perfect. I'm complicated. Not because I try to be, just because I am. I don't know who I am, I never figured it out. I grew up in a household full of contradictions. I grew up not knowing much about myself and my origins. For most of my life, I have tried to just fit in. I feel like I am always on the fringes looking in, watching everyone else as they live a more normal life. I never took the time to know myself, really think about who I am or what I want until recently.

My problem has always been in the decision making. But when I decide I want something, I go after it with gusto. I have little tolerance for people who wish and want all day but do nothing to make their wishes happen. I believe anything is possible and nothing is unreachable. But nothing worth having in this world is handed to you ever.

So I decided that today is as good as any other to go through the year in review and see how my goals have gone, and what's on the plate for next year. I tend not to keep a constant eye on my big picture goals. I focus on them for a while, a month or so, read them every day and then don't look at them again. It is always surprising to me to sit down at the end of the year and see how many I accomplished without really being aware of it. Today I am going to pull out my 2010 goals and see how close I came to the mark. Then, start writing out what 2011 will hold for me.

I actually have to admit that I really did enjoy our holiday events tremendously, which surprised even me. I had hubby's family over for our normal Christmas Eve get-together and we had appetizers and drinks and Christmas music. It was a fun and relaxing evening with only one small near-meltdown from the nephews. Christmas Day, because my mom doesn't cook anymore, we drove to a hotel in Nashville and ate lunch. It was all wonderful. We visited for a while that afternoon and returned to our cozy cocoon to don our lounging clothes and sit around in full content. Literally, full. And content.


Sunday we didn't leave the house at all.  Despite the fact that my parents called no less than 4 times during the day, each time saying "I know you're trying to rest but...." a) come to lunch with us (no)  b) missed you at lunch and we have a problem with the fax machine (oh, sorry) c) will you come tomorrow and fix the fax machine? (sure, tomorrow) and finally d) never mind, the fax machine works now (oh, good). My life, honestly...