Thanksgiving 2015

I'm so thankful for all the friends in my life, old and new, who keep things interesting!

Last night I complained about how much food I 'have' to eat today at two family get-togethers. This morning I feel humbled by a cousin's post about feeding the homeless.

I stress over family interactions and troubles and want to just lie on my couch all day gnawing on a turkey leg. Then I see a friend's post who just lost her husband this year and won't have him around for the holidays, and another friend who just lost her father. I remember how many are missing at our table and how I should be grateful to still have my mom and dad.

I complain about traveling to family for the holidays and how we've done it for the entire 22 years of our marriage. Then I realize that there are so many who are alone in this world and don't have anyone to sit and eat and argue with.

People talk about how awful Facebook and social media in general can be, but today I want to be thankful for all things webby. The thing I've learned over the years is that social media can and will be exactly what you allow it to be. If you want a soap box, there it is. If you want to be happy and positive, it's great for that. If you want to meet people, you can do that too. I'm thankful for my virtual friends who are as close to me as real life friends. In fact, I might know more about them than most people I see face to face.

Yes, I do realize how much I take for granted. Yes, I do realize my life is pretty wonderful, some might say charmed. I also realize that I could lose everything tomorrow and that there's nothing I can do about it, so I live every day. This year, I want everyone to try a little bit of that. Time goes by so quickly and this one life is really the only thing we know is real.

Gratitudes

I think everyone knows that I believe 2013 is the Year of Suck. It's pretty much universal with everyone I know. 

However, just because this is my truth doesn't mean I am not grateful each and every day. Though I haven't daily posted my gratitude, I've tried to list more than 30 things right here and right now that I feel grateful for each and every day.

I am grateful for having basic necessities. A warm comfy bed, a roof over our heads, jobs that keep the bills paid and food in the pantry. Because we haven't always had that.

I am grateful for small, simple things. Coffee that gets me through the day. Tissues that don't make my nose hurt. A cell phone that works better than most of the computers I work on.

I am grateful for those who give without asking and who take without expectations.

I am grateful for the seasons, sunsets, sunrise and the promise of each new day.

I am grateful for the people in my life. A husband who makes me laugh, not cry. Parents who love me and still think of me as their child. Friends who know just what I need to hear and aren't afraid to say it.

I am grateful for everyone who moves through my life. Because even when people hurt me, disappoint me, anger me or betray me, they are helping me grow and learn and get through this journey toward being a wiser, more understanding human. And those who bring me joy make me a person worth knowing.

I am grateful for science and medicine and doctors and research. Competent professionals have saved my mother's life this year, kept me from getting strep another 7 times this year and eased the pain of other family members this year.

I am grateful for new friends who know the real me and get me. I am grateful for how comfortable I feel with them because of that, and how I can act, say and do everything that is just me.

I am grateful for my sense of humor. Because many times this year, being able to laugh at everything I was going through was the only thing that kept me going.

I am grateful for my ability to read. Being able to create a world inside your head from words on a page is, to me, the most amazing thing. Reading has gotten me through some rough times, helped me pass long, boring weekends, helped me be a better person, helped me become a more informed person and allowed me to do my job.

So, yes, for this and for so much more, I am so grateful. 

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.I know I personally will NOT be leaving the house on Black Friday. Rather, I'm going to be as lazy as humanly possible. Because, y'all. I have the day off work.

Day 3. Shameless eating.

Day 3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.

Hmmm. Well, I would DO this if it weren't already a way of life for me.

I have ridiculous eating habits. Right now I am sitting here next to a pile of candy wrappers. Yes, my breakfast today was assorted caramels, chocolate kisses, and tootsie rolls. I ate them from a bowl in my lap while watching last night's big brother and muttering to myself about how effing annoying Brendan and Rachel are. Not to mention fake.

Some days I get up craving cheesy pasta. So I make it. For breakfast. Some days I have nothing but coffee and water all day until dinner time. Some days I eat fast food. Other days I eat things like chips and dip all day. I can go a week without consuming a vegetable. I will eat yogurt then follow it with a cookie or piece of cake.

I am seriously eff'd up when it comes to food. I am not sure exactly when it spun out of control, I wasn't always this way. I mean, I've always had the binge tendencies. Even when I was a kid. But up until about 10 years ago, I was able to keep it under control. I did used to eat like a normal person. I did used to think about a balanced diet, healthful foods, and calorie and fat content. But I always had the thought in the back of my head that I just couldn't see myself living that way forever. Having to think and plan and worry about everything that went in my mouth. Measuring and weighing and starving myself to stay not only healthy but at a healthy weight of around 125 (or so I thought).

Now I will be the first to admit. I don't obsess with the number on the scale. I remember clearly weighing 125 and still constantly thinking that my thighs were too fat or my stomach a bit flabby. Looking back at pictures I was almost skin and bones, I don't even recognize myself. Because of that I learned that it's all in your head. It's what you believe yourself to be.

I just lost a lot of weight. I spent the summer of 2010 in hard core deprivation mode. I had crept into the obese realm and didn't want to stay there anymore so I dove in feet first. I do not regret doing it, or losing the 70+ pounds that I lost. I still would like to be a couple sizes smaller than I am now, but to be honest? I am more comfortable with my body now than I have been in a long time.

But that doesn't change the fact that I still don't care enough to monitor my food. I have food issues, this I know. Food addictions, problems relating to the consumption of food and the euphoria I feel when eating. The filling up of that "something" inside. My 16 weeks of weight loss proves to me that I do have the capacity to eat what I should, leave what I shouldn't and get to a healthy weight. But being able to do something and actually doing it every day is something else entirely, isn't it?

Why do I have the issues I have? Your guess is as good as mine. It could be that everything else in my life is out of control now and the only thing I can control is my food. It could be that I am sinking back to depression and using it as a mood elevator. It could be that I just have an addictive personality and I just turn to food rather than drugs, gambling, or alcohol to get that high.

Whatever the case, I don't need the challenge to allow me to eat what I want any and every day. I am doing a fine job of that on my own, thank you.

The Week in Review

Post-Sangria Art by Me

OK, well, I am glad for once that my week is over. It has been a crazy, confusing, exhausting whirlwind of events. My BPW club celebrated National Business Women's Week in a weeklong series of events for members and local women as well. As the VP of the club and unwitting volunteer to co-chair the week's events, needless to say I was kept busy last week. My friend Brownie (snickerdoodle as hubby calls her) did the lion's share of the work as Chairwoman, but I helped where I could, and received more credit than I deserved. We cooked a Sunday lunch for about 20 people, we organized vendors and donations for Friday's Working Women's Luncheon, she organized a beautiful banquet on Monday and an informative political forum on Thursday. And in between, we acted like complete morons trying to learn how they play bingo (it is different from the last time I played in the late 70's with my grandma!), and had drinks out at a Mexican restaurant.

Birthday came and went. I had an unexpected surprise when we planned to go out for Wednesday night event with bro- and sis-in-law at the "church of our choice", Saint Margarita's holy house of chips and salsa. Hubby and I were exhausted after a very busy weekend and being out Monday and Tuesday nights. I was about to call and cancel on them when I got a text with all the girlfriends included saying to meet up at 6:30 and there were 10 people coming that night. I had not the first clue that plans had been made for everyone to meet up for my birthday drink. The night ended up being a wonderful stress reliever with my besties and a couple of hubbies and we had a lot of laughs, as usual. My lovely friend Rachel arranged for me to be sung to in Spanish. And yes, I had to wear a very large sombrero. Thanks a LOT, Rach.

I wear a lot of hats, but this is NOT
my best look!

Me, Debbie, and Rachel (the perpetrator)

Then I was presented with a GIANT fried dough thingie filled with ice cream and sprinkles. Which I passed over to hubby. It looked great, but I have already gained back 4 pounds of the weight I lost due to birthday nonsense and was trying to avoid any further backsliding.

See, on Tuesday, my actual birthday, I finished off 1/4 of a pecan pie that was leftover from Sunday's luncheon. I don't even know why I ate it other than the fact that I love pecan pie and it was sitting on my kitchen counter. Taunting me. I ate it one forkful at a time, walking back and forth from my office to the kitchen and swearing each one to be the last. I know people who don't have food issues don't get this. I told a fellow BPW member what I had done and she said "Well, that's OK, it was your birthday."
Me: "Yeah, but I shouldn't have eaten it. At all. I am not supposed to have any sugar. For 2 more weeks."
Her: "Wait, you mean a quarter of a piece of pie, right? That isn't that much."
Me: "No, a quarter of the whole pie. Minus the crust." (In my defense, it was honestly not a full sized pie, it was small, but still)
Her: (with an absolutely horrified "who the hell are you" look on her face) "oh."

I was not supposed to be eating any sugar. At all. I know this. For the duration of my 6 weeks post diet maintenance. I should never have even brought the stupid thing home. But it was delicious. Stupid deliciousness. In retrospect, though, not worth the 4 pounds that I now have to worry about. I guess if I can realize that, I am making progress in this complete mind-f*@% that is weight loss and impulse control.

Anyway, to end on a positive note, I was honored at our banquet on Monday night to be one of two recipients to receive a Non-Traditional Student Scholarship which will allow me to continue on my path toward an MFA. It is an honor, and I am so very grateful. So, I guess I don't totally suck.

I am looking forward to all my catch-up work this week. I see in my future a return to water aerobics to work off this 4 pounds and try to get back some balance. If I can't find evening classes, you can look forward to more stories of the annoying "old" women in the classes. They truly are priceless. And annoying. I am going to be better with writing and blogging, trying to get back into a routine. And I have a lot of phone calls to make. My dad, who had surgery 12 days ago, is home and recovering nicely. The tests showed that it was colon cancer, but at 83 we don't know yet that they'll want to put him through the stress of chemo. His doctor was very aggressive at getting everything out when he did the surgery. So we'll see. I am so thankful for all the thoughts and support and questions on his progress.

In an unrelated development, my BFF since 8th grade Amy has invented a new iPhone accessory (also post-sangria) to assist with our damnably slow internet connection here in the boonies. We've dubbed it the iTennae and she swears it actually worked, helping her send an email that "had" to get out. I think it will catch on, patent is pending. Her husband John looks dubious.

Amy, inventor extraordinaire

Anyway, that is all the updating I have for today. Ya'll have a good week!