Strange Days Indeed

I mean really, how many times do you start your day by backing into the BOOKMOBILE? That's right. I said it.

This morning, as I was leaving a business meeting, I backed my car out of a parking space and heard a crash. I knew the Bookmobile was right behind me, but way underestimated how far it stuck out of the space. And I backed right into it. The passenger side back bumper took the majority of the hit and the Bookmobile had a paint scratch and a big hole/split in the bumper. (Oh, for the days of the metal bumpers)

So I trekked over to the library, which is next door to where I was parked. Neither of the people working at the desk wanted anything to do with the situation and one of them called the lady who is in charge. I was so embarrassed and speaking quietly, being in a library and all. So the lady picks up the phone and says, in I swear what was most definitely an OUTDOOR voice, "THIS LADY HIT THE BOOKMOBILE IN THE PARKING LOT. ON ACCIDENT..... THE BOOKMOBILE...SHE HIT THE BOOKMOBILE....IN THE PARKING LOT..." Seriously, Shhhhh.... that's what the phone is for. To keep you from having to shout up to her. After I waved to the twenty or so people sitting at the first floor computers (who were now all looking at me with fire in their eyes) I looked up in the direction the lady was shouting. I could see the director through a glass window in her second floor office, throwing her hands on her head. Her silent mouth exclaiming "oh, no!", her face distraught as if I'd smashed her kitten. I turned the other way to smile wearily at the lady working the desk. "She wants me to get a police report" she said, hesitantly. "Of course". I smiled, sighed, and wondered once again....why me?

How in the world do I get myself into such strange situations? To top it all off, the director came down to the first floor to give me a little ribbing.(I am just going to go ahead and assume she was joking, because she really could have been nasty about it, couldn't she?) "Why didn't anyone ever hit the big, ugly bread truck Bookmobile? Why is is always the cute little one that is all painted up nice?" Then she asked my name and when I told her she said..."Oh, Mitch's wife?" Yep. That's me. Mitch's wife. (Because although I have achieved Internet fame, no one in my hometown seems to remember who I am (sarcastic font, remember?))

To top it all off, the policeman shows up, like, 10 minutes later. In his cruiser. To take the report. Now, for those of you who don't live in my small town, the police station? Is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from where this happened. SERIOUSLY. We took longer inside looking up the non-911 number to call to report the accident than it would have taken to walk over there and tell them in person. **Sigh**

The culprit. I think it was entrapment.

So later when I stopped by the newspaper office to drop something off to my best friend Amy, I had to give her the scoop on the happenings. Being as she's a crack reporter and would find out anyway y'all. I mentioned that the policeman said "So, you were just backing up or what?" (**really?***) and I had to bite my tongue not to say "NO, I am waging a war against literacy and thought I would start by crashing my SUV into the Bookmobile! That will teach those uppity shut ins not to read so much." She got a huge laugh out of that and said "I so wish you had said that. It would have been too funny." Yeah, right. I do NOT need to go to jail today, not even library jail.  Oh, and by the way? The Bookmobile? Less than a year old. Yeah. My life? Honestly...

Oh, and PS. Whoever tattled to my mom? About my blog? I will find you out. She is demanding explanation. Do NOT tell her about the Bookmobile. I just can't handle one more "Marsha shouldn't be driving" remark. Yeah. Thanks.

It Was Time

I got a new picture! Ms. Amy (bestfriendsince8thgrade) Ellis took pictures for hubby and me yesterday afternoon, despite the impending rain, and did a wonderful job as always. She was kind enough to indulge me by taking a new photo of me for my blog, seeing as the one I am using was taken with a cell phone and is at least 2 years old. I love it, thanks Amy! Hubby says it will be the photo on my book jacket. (I so wish)

As a former Realtor, I have a thing about keeping photos updated. Too many were the occasions that I met a realtor whose photo I had seen a million times and had NO idea that it was the same person. I actually once asked a friend if that was so-and-so's mother, and it turned out it was her. The violator shall remain nameless, but the photo on her cards, signs, and flyers had to be at least 25 years old.

So, all my Realtor friends, please do not be offended. I love you all. But remember Erma Bombeck's advice of "when you look like your passport photo it's time to go home". And make a new rule. When you DON'T look like your business card photo, it is time for a new photo. Call my friend Amy at Images by Amy Ellis. She'll fix you up! By the way, if you still look like your photo after 20 years, then good for you keep using it. But be sure to get a second opinion on that before you do.

Oh, and check my new Magnolia ring in the shot above. Hubby's birthday gift to me, I just HAD to make sure we got a shot with that in there. I love it. Thanks, honey!



See? Isn't she great? She even makes the likes of us look like models!

The Week in Review

Post-Sangria Art by Me

OK, well, I am glad for once that my week is over. It has been a crazy, confusing, exhausting whirlwind of events. My BPW club celebrated National Business Women's Week in a weeklong series of events for members and local women as well. As the VP of the club and unwitting volunteer to co-chair the week's events, needless to say I was kept busy last week. My friend Brownie (snickerdoodle as hubby calls her) did the lion's share of the work as Chairwoman, but I helped where I could, and received more credit than I deserved. We cooked a Sunday lunch for about 20 people, we organized vendors and donations for Friday's Working Women's Luncheon, she organized a beautiful banquet on Monday and an informative political forum on Thursday. And in between, we acted like complete morons trying to learn how they play bingo (it is different from the last time I played in the late 70's with my grandma!), and had drinks out at a Mexican restaurant.

Birthday came and went. I had an unexpected surprise when we planned to go out for Wednesday night event with bro- and sis-in-law at the "church of our choice", Saint Margarita's holy house of chips and salsa. Hubby and I were exhausted after a very busy weekend and being out Monday and Tuesday nights. I was about to call and cancel on them when I got a text with all the girlfriends included saying to meet up at 6:30 and there were 10 people coming that night. I had not the first clue that plans had been made for everyone to meet up for my birthday drink. The night ended up being a wonderful stress reliever with my besties and a couple of hubbies and we had a lot of laughs, as usual. My lovely friend Rachel arranged for me to be sung to in Spanish. And yes, I had to wear a very large sombrero. Thanks a LOT, Rach.

I wear a lot of hats, but this is NOT
my best look!

Me, Debbie, and Rachel (the perpetrator)

Then I was presented with a GIANT fried dough thingie filled with ice cream and sprinkles. Which I passed over to hubby. It looked great, but I have already gained back 4 pounds of the weight I lost due to birthday nonsense and was trying to avoid any further backsliding.

See, on Tuesday, my actual birthday, I finished off 1/4 of a pecan pie that was leftover from Sunday's luncheon. I don't even know why I ate it other than the fact that I love pecan pie and it was sitting on my kitchen counter. Taunting me. I ate it one forkful at a time, walking back and forth from my office to the kitchen and swearing each one to be the last. I know people who don't have food issues don't get this. I told a fellow BPW member what I had done and she said "Well, that's OK, it was your birthday."
Me: "Yeah, but I shouldn't have eaten it. At all. I am not supposed to have any sugar. For 2 more weeks."
Her: "Wait, you mean a quarter of a piece of pie, right? That isn't that much."
Me: "No, a quarter of the whole pie. Minus the crust." (In my defense, it was honestly not a full sized pie, it was small, but still)
Her: (with an absolutely horrified "who the hell are you" look on her face) "oh."

I was not supposed to be eating any sugar. At all. I know this. For the duration of my 6 weeks post diet maintenance. I should never have even brought the stupid thing home. But it was delicious. Stupid deliciousness. In retrospect, though, not worth the 4 pounds that I now have to worry about. I guess if I can realize that, I am making progress in this complete mind-f*@% that is weight loss and impulse control.

Anyway, to end on a positive note, I was honored at our banquet on Monday night to be one of two recipients to receive a Non-Traditional Student Scholarship which will allow me to continue on my path toward an MFA. It is an honor, and I am so very grateful. So, I guess I don't totally suck.

I am looking forward to all my catch-up work this week. I see in my future a return to water aerobics to work off this 4 pounds and try to get back some balance. If I can't find evening classes, you can look forward to more stories of the annoying "old" women in the classes. They truly are priceless. And annoying. I am going to be better with writing and blogging, trying to get back into a routine. And I have a lot of phone calls to make. My dad, who had surgery 12 days ago, is home and recovering nicely. The tests showed that it was colon cancer, but at 83 we don't know yet that they'll want to put him through the stress of chemo. His doctor was very aggressive at getting everything out when he did the surgery. So we'll see. I am so thankful for all the thoughts and support and questions on his progress.

In an unrelated development, my BFF since 8th grade Amy has invented a new iPhone accessory (also post-sangria) to assist with our damnably slow internet connection here in the boonies. We've dubbed it the iTennae and she swears it actually worked, helping her send an email that "had" to get out. I think it will catch on, patent is pending. Her husband John looks dubious.

Amy, inventor extraordinaire

Anyway, that is all the updating I have for today. Ya'll have a good week!

These Thoughts Inside

(Forgive me for posting my horrible poetry this week. This has been rattling around in my head for a while now. I have committed it to paper in many different versions. It just seemed to fit the prompt and I thought I would give it a try. Writing poetry in exactly 100 words is even more difficult than I realized.)

Today's post is my entry into this week's 100 Word Challenge, hosted by Velvet Verbosity. The 100 Word Challenge is an exercise in which we write exactly 100 words in response to the weekly prompt word. Click the link to read the other entries–good stuff over there! 

This week's prompt was "within". 

Unsocial, egocentric,

degrading and mad.

In lightning quick flashes

they enter my head.

Worshipful, wanting,

and lasting all day

they stumble around there

then fly far away.

All of my thoughts–

whether petty and small

or delusions of grandeur,

of having it all.

These thoughts live within me,

they'll wane and they'll waiver.

A few I push away,

but others I savor

in the mental equivalent

of self-flagellation.

They're the very embodyment

of bad behavior.

Sugar and spice.

Loving but hateful.

Thoughtful and spiteful

and everything nice.

Feel guilt, feel pride,

superior and snide

Only I know these thoughts inside.

You Say It's Your Birthday?

So, today is the day of my birth. My age is somewhere between a mid-life crisis and an AARP membership. I had a crazy, fun party planned for myself and all my girls last Saturday. Cause I am like that. One of my friends said, "Aren't we supposed to throw a party for you?" "No, thank you" I said with a smile, "I want what I want so I choose to do it myself."

When I was growing up, birthdays were a huge deal. People, I got a pair of Shetland ponies for my 4th birthday, OK? Yeah. And a little cart for them to pull the princess around in. My mom and dad would be MORE than happy to share the video they took of me and some of my cousins having rides around the farm. So, my parents kind of set the bar ... high? shall we say? Although I have to mention that they did try to have children for almost 15 years with many disappointments and finally adopted me, and 3 years later my brother. (And no, we're not actual biological siblings.)

This fun was only complicated by the fact that my brother and I had birthdays 3 years and 10 days apart. He was younger. My birthday was first. Think about it, when I turned 5 he was about to turn 2. When I turned 7 he was about to turn 4. It wasn't pretty people. It is impossible to explain to a 2 year old that it is his birthday in 10 days. I feel bad for him, really I do. It had to be torture waiting for your birthday and having your sister's giant royal celebration BEFORE you. There was much tantrum throwing, cake smashing, and candle blowing-outing done by my brother before my parents finally wised up and decided that we should have a COMBINED party for the both of us somewhere in between the two days. I think that was the year I turned 9 and he turned 6. Yeah, that works out well, don't you think? Ten 9 year old girls and ten 6 year old boys at a McDonald's party together, fifteen 10 year olds and twenty 7 year olds at a roller skate party together. But you get the picture. It wasn't pretty, but it did save my beautiful cake.

Oh, the cakes. Every year my wonderful mom would ask me ahead of time what I wanted for my cake. And then she'd make it for me. Obviously this was back in the day of the true homemaker and stay at home mom. I had some wonderful cakes. One year (I think I was 4 or 5) I asked for a jellybean cake. If someone asked me for that, I would have no idea what to do. But mom presented me with a giant cake that had "Happy Birthday Marsha" spelled out in jellybeans. The princess loved it. One year I wanted a horse cake (10th I think) and she carved a cake in the shape of a horse head (my horse's head specifically) and decorated it. It was beautiful. If I had the time today I would search the archives for the picture, but alas. It is a busy week.

So my growing up years were full of fun birthdays in which I was the queen for a day. Roller skating parties, sleep overs, shopping trips, movies, ice cream cakes, homemade cakes, cup cakes, trips to Shoney's and Baskin Robbins, jewelry when I got older. It set a terrible precedent for adult life, unrealistic expectations for everyone around me. Even my mom told me "you want everything to be exactly right or it doesn't even count." No, it doesn't. But I am working on that. And by the way, mom? You created this birthday monster, do you realize that?????

When I was in my 20's a co-worker told me that I need to get over this. "Once you're past the age of 12, no one cares that it's your birthday." she said. Well, maybe that's true. I don't get treated like Queen for a day anymore, that's for sure. I don't get to pre-order the cake I want and have exactly the cake I want show up exactly how I imagined it. (chocolate cake with mocha chocolate chip ice cream. HOW HARD IS THAT??? Really?!) But what I do have is this:

I have friends who love me and I totally appreciate every one of them taking time to send me wishes by text, phone, and FaceBook. I have my husband who woke me with kisses and sang "happy birthday" to me. I have the fact that I am not eating sugar or carbs right now to eliminate the need for any cake, much less the one I want. I received a scholarship award last night that will allow me to begin classes again in January. I have an 82 year old dad who just made it through a MAJOR surgery and is coming through like a champ. I have a beautiful new ring that I picked out and hubby gave me. It's a Magnolia blossom.(natch)

So what if I am working all week co-chairing event after event. So what if I had to cancel my fun birthday "tea" for my girls in my backyard due to dad's surgery. So what if I don't get to be queen for a day and eat my favorite cake. So what am I doing for my birthday? I am working on a design project today, mailing postcards for my jewelry business and talking to some wonderful people on the phone. Best of all, tonight we're (hubs, me, and my bff's) heading out for a bingo experience as part of our NBWW events. How kitsch is that? I am so excited. And extremely thankful. It's gonna be the best birthday ever.

Last Chance

Today's post is my entry into this week's 100 Word Challenge, hosted by Velvet Verbosity. The 100 Word Challenge is an exercise in which we write exactly 100 words in response to the weekly prompt word. Click the link to read the other entries–good stuff over there! 

This week's prompt was "vague". 

His hands fumbled on the delicate clasp, and it took longer than he would have liked to fasten it around her neck. He could feel her impatience tugging at the chain. When she turned to smile up at him he started to speak, but he hesitated, letting the moment pass. “Thank you, Daddy.” she said, giving him a quick hug before returning to her raucous group of friends.

She wore the simple necklace for that birthday and many more. She never had more than a vague idea of the gift's true meaning or the price he paid that day.

New Use For Comic Sans

Because I greatly rely on the use of sarcasm in my humor, I have wished for the longest time that there was a universal "sarcasm" font. I mean, think of it ALL CAPS IS LIKE YELLING, italics are like whispering, BOLD gets your point through in a William Shatner staccato way. So I ask you. Why do we NOT HAVE A sarcasm font?

Well, I have had it. I am hilariously funny, but only if you get that 80% of the time I am being sarcastic. **sarcasm** Cause I am highly intelligent that way.**again** I am tired of making this symbol ;). (Because it's like "just kidding" or "you know I'm joking". I am tired of doing the **insert sarcastic tone here** (see above) or #sarcasm (for my Tweepies).

Right here, right now I am officially dubbing Comic Sans the sarcasm font.  Because it is so well designed and makes you look like you know what you're doing. It's fancy. See? Darling of the design world and champion of the common man. Why even pay a professional to design your ads? Open up Word, slap this font on any flyer, advertisement, brochure or whatever you need and it will automatically look SO professionally designed. (In case you don't get it? I'M BEING SARCASTIC!!!)


Comic Sans. It's only for sarcasm now. Deal with it.
Seriously people, don't ever use it.