Day 3. Shameless eating.

Day 3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.

Hmmm. Well, I would DO this if it weren't already a way of life for me.

I have ridiculous eating habits. Right now I am sitting here next to a pile of candy wrappers. Yes, my breakfast today was assorted caramels, chocolate kisses, and tootsie rolls. I ate them from a bowl in my lap while watching last night's big brother and muttering to myself about how effing annoying Brendan and Rachel are. Not to mention fake.

Some days I get up craving cheesy pasta. So I make it. For breakfast. Some days I have nothing but coffee and water all day until dinner time. Some days I eat fast food. Other days I eat things like chips and dip all day. I can go a week without consuming a vegetable. I will eat yogurt then follow it with a cookie or piece of cake.

I am seriously eff'd up when it comes to food. I am not sure exactly when it spun out of control, I wasn't always this way. I mean, I've always had the binge tendencies. Even when I was a kid. But up until about 10 years ago, I was able to keep it under control. I did used to eat like a normal person. I did used to think about a balanced diet, healthful foods, and calorie and fat content. But I always had the thought in the back of my head that I just couldn't see myself living that way forever. Having to think and plan and worry about everything that went in my mouth. Measuring and weighing and starving myself to stay not only healthy but at a healthy weight of around 125 (or so I thought).

Now I will be the first to admit. I don't obsess with the number on the scale. I remember clearly weighing 125 and still constantly thinking that my thighs were too fat or my stomach a bit flabby. Looking back at pictures I was almost skin and bones, I don't even recognize myself. Because of that I learned that it's all in your head. It's what you believe yourself to be.

I just lost a lot of weight. I spent the summer of 2010 in hard core deprivation mode. I had crept into the obese realm and didn't want to stay there anymore so I dove in feet first. I do not regret doing it, or losing the 70+ pounds that I lost. I still would like to be a couple sizes smaller than I am now, but to be honest? I am more comfortable with my body now than I have been in a long time.

But that doesn't change the fact that I still don't care enough to monitor my food. I have food issues, this I know. Food addictions, problems relating to the consumption of food and the euphoria I feel when eating. The filling up of that "something" inside. My 16 weeks of weight loss proves to me that I do have the capacity to eat what I should, leave what I shouldn't and get to a healthy weight. But being able to do something and actually doing it every day is something else entirely, isn't it?

Why do I have the issues I have? Your guess is as good as mine. It could be that everything else in my life is out of control now and the only thing I can control is my food. It could be that I am sinking back to depression and using it as a mood elevator. It could be that I just have an addictive personality and I just turn to food rather than drugs, gambling, or alcohol to get that high.

Whatever the case, I don't need the challenge to allow me to eat what I want any and every day. I am doing a fine job of that on my own, thank you.