Thoughts from the morning of my 48th birthday.

I've been awake since 2:30 a.m.

This is becoming a regular thing for me and I don't like it. Granted, I went to bed and collapsed at 8:30 last night, but that's beside the point. When you're up at 2:30 a.m. there is just not much to do unless you're up for work.

I've been sitting in my living room thinking for the past couple of hours. Thinking about life in general, and my life specifically. It's my birthday today and I'm one year closer to that horrible number that gave me my one and only age-related freak out when I was 35. (I basically sobbed to my husband "I'm only 15 years away from FIFTY!" as he rocked me back and forth, probably rolling his eyes.)

I really don't think much about aging, at least maybe not as much as I should. I think about life more like a journey that started before me and will continue long after me. I think about how I fit into my own corner of the world and how I affect those who are around me. I also think about how they affect me. Is it good or bad? Positivity or negativity? Do we hold each other up or tear one another down?

My life has changed dramatically over the past decade. I am not the same person that I was at 38 or even the same person I was four years ago. Back then I had two very long-term friends who I thought would always be a part of my life. Now, they are no longer around. I made the decision to end a friendship that wasn't really working because I saw that she had no integrity in the way she treated others. The second one was ended by the other person's actions toward me about something that I had no control over. I ended up with not one person in my corner after that one, except my husband.

My relationship with my husband is better now than it ever has been. We've both learned over 22 years of marriage how to make it work and be happy. Here's the secret: it involved a lot of open, honest, and sometimes painful conversations. It involved putting hurt feelings and ego to the side. It involved giving more and expecting less. And letting go of the past in order to move forward. Neither of us was a terrific spouse before, and we aren't perfect now. But, like life, it's a work in progress.

There are certain milestones, birthdays being one of them, that cause me to reflect on life. This morning I was thinking about who and what inspires me and I came to a shocking conclusion. My life inspires my writing and my friends inspire me. My friends. Inspire. Me. They amaze me. And it was only when I realized it that I thought, I don't think I've ever had a group of friends in my life who inspire me.

I've had (and still do have) some really wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. I've had friends I admired, friends who influenced me, friends who shocked me, friends who made me laugh. I've had friends who were there through thick and thin, friends who showed up when husband almost died, who dragged me away from the hospital and tried to keep me together. I've had friends who I talked to every day and friends who I talked to once a year.

But this group right here, right now, they inspire the hell out of me. Inspire me to do good work, follow my dreams, write the chapters of my own life, and just by god keep it together. They show me every day what life is like when you live as an authentic person. When you are honest about your thoughts and your life with your friends and with yourself. I spent many years of my life not being authentic, trying to be someone else rather than just working figuring myself out. I always tried to fit in, one of the dangers of moving a lot as a kid, and I could morph into almost any situation with no problem. Except one big problem. I honestly had no idea who I was because I was always trying to match everyone around me.

I am so lucky to have these girls in my life. I am so lucky to be inspired and honored to be accepted just the way I am. Of course, they've made me completely unacceptable in general society because I am so used to our talks full of dirty language, brutal honesty, girlie love, sexual innuendo, and a general disrespect for silverware. (I'm looking at you, Beth!) That doesn't matter though, because they made me free to be myself, and that is the best gift you can give anyone.

I haven't been easy over the past 2 years. I know I've been "taking" a lot but I also know that I'm going to do and be better over the next 2 years. So thank you to all my friends. Seriously. You mean the world to me. Keep doing you, and I'll keep doing me. Wait, that sounded dirty....




PS After writing this, I scrolled through Facebook this morning and found these on my feed. It seemed appropriate to share them here.

Batter Up!

The girl was cute, though dirty and bedraggled. She was watching me, fascinated, as I took pictures of the pee wee ball players running around the diamond, dust clouding up in the hot afternoon sun.

"May I take a picture of you?" I asked her. She glanced over at the older woman, her grandmother I assumed.

"Let her take your picture for the newspaper!" said the lady.

So I did. She smiled shyly and I snapped one picture. Her dress was so colorful and her wire-framed glasses had slid down the bridge of her nose. She looked up at me, smacking loudly on a mouthful of gum. I joked with her for a moment and moved on to finish up my work.

Moments later I was verbally accosted by the girl's mother for taking her picture. My good mood was immediately flattened like a bug on the windshield of a passing car. A trashy, dirty, dented-in, used-up, car. With part of the grill missing. And well over 200,000 miles on it.

"Kids enjoy having their pictures made. They love it. It doesn't mean I will put it in the paper. It's good for their self-esteem and obviously your daughter needs that," I said. I shouldn't have said it, but I did.

There's no telling what was going on with her. I don't know the whole story, and I always wonder when someone is so adamant about staying out of the paper. Explain why or don't, but there's no need for the anger.

It's always better to be nice with your request, assuming you know how to be civilized.

If Garth Can Be Shameless, Surely I Can Too

Because of @TlanceB I have gotten dragged into this meme. Maybe it's because of Lance. Or maybe it's because I could never stand for the other kids to be cooler than me. Or uncooler than me. Or perhaps it's just that I hate being left out of anything.

When I was in my first year of college, I lived in a freshman dorm where the rooms were arranged in “suites” of 4 rooms and a large bathroom with several sinks and showers. Each room housed a pair of girls and the suite had a living room for us all to use. It was a pretty nice setup and I have to admit that although I thought my roommate was completely weird, I loved all of my other suitemates. Except eventually that girl from Texas got to us all. Then we hated her. But for the most part we all had fun and got along really well, doing everything together.

The first thing you have to know about me is that I very nearly failed most of my classes that first semester. I have never been very disciplined about homework, mainly because I was never really taught proper study skills. I made good grades, a's and b's with very little effort in high school. So I thought I could continue that into my college experience. Boy was I wrong.

However, I loved the social nature of our setup and loved spending the evenings after dinner hanging out with the girls in my suite. We'd talk about anything and everything. At first it would be the 6 of us, then one by one we'd drift off to bed or to study. I WOULD not go to bed until everyone else did. I couldn't do it. It got to the point where it was a joke. My friend Mary C. would get into bed and say “turn out the light for me, would you?” Yep. I was THAT person.

So I haven't been 'round the bloggy-sphere much lately, I have to admit. My reader is crammed full of catchup reading and I have even been neglecting the blogs that make me laugh hystericallly. I am ashamed. And I hate that I am missing out on my cyber friends lives. I don't know why I haven't been around. Part of me feels like my depression may be coming back. Another part of me thinks it maybe never left. And another part of me says that I need a swift kick in the ass and to just get out and get over it. (maybe that voice is just my mom)

So when I read the other day on Lance's blog that he was doing this 30 day meme I was excited. As I read over the list I realized that these topics were things I would enjoy and could be up for writing about every day. So the list is as follows:

30 Days of Shamelessness

1. declare your love for an uncool TV show.
2. look a fool.
3. eat. Whatever you feel like eating.
4. waste time.
5. declare your love for an uncool movie.
6. act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid.
7. share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.
8. sweat.
9. expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.
10. declare your love for an uncool band.
11. dress to show some skin.
12. share about a health struggle.
13. speak up about something crap that was done to you.
14. hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
15. dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that.
16. spend money on a non-necessity or share a financial struggle.
17. discuss the reality of your work situation.
18. brag.
19. share details about a bodily function or fluid.
20. talk about sex
21. express a strong feeling.
22. set a boundary.
23. air one of your secrets.
24. share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
25. ask for help.
26. make a mistake.
27. express a dissenting opinion.
28. discuss a failure.
29. look a fool.
30. name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them…

Join in if you like.  Let me know in the comments if you think you might so I can follow along. I think this will be a good way for me to get back into writing and reading all my favorite blogs. I will cover all 30 days, though they may not be 30 days in a row. I shall do my best. Honestly....