Thoughts from the morning of my 48th birthday.

I've been awake since 2:30 a.m.

This is becoming a regular thing for me and I don't like it. Granted, I went to bed and collapsed at 8:30 last night, but that's beside the point. When you're up at 2:30 a.m. there is just not much to do unless you're up for work.

I've been sitting in my living room thinking for the past couple of hours. Thinking about life in general, and my life specifically. It's my birthday today and I'm one year closer to that horrible number that gave me my one and only age-related freak out when I was 35. (I basically sobbed to my husband "I'm only 15 years away from FIFTY!" as he rocked me back and forth, probably rolling his eyes.)

I really don't think much about aging, at least maybe not as much as I should. I think about life more like a journey that started before me and will continue long after me. I think about how I fit into my own corner of the world and how I affect those who are around me. I also think about how they affect me. Is it good or bad? Positivity or negativity? Do we hold each other up or tear one another down?

My life has changed dramatically over the past decade. I am not the same person that I was at 38 or even the same person I was four years ago. Back then I had two very long-term friends who I thought would always be a part of my life. Now, they are no longer around. I made the decision to end a friendship that wasn't really working because I saw that she had no integrity in the way she treated others. The second one was ended by the other person's actions toward me about something that I had no control over. I ended up with not one person in my corner after that one, except my husband.

My relationship with my husband is better now than it ever has been. We've both learned over 22 years of marriage how to make it work and be happy. Here's the secret: it involved a lot of open, honest, and sometimes painful conversations. It involved putting hurt feelings and ego to the side. It involved giving more and expecting less. And letting go of the past in order to move forward. Neither of us was a terrific spouse before, and we aren't perfect now. But, like life, it's a work in progress.

There are certain milestones, birthdays being one of them, that cause me to reflect on life. This morning I was thinking about who and what inspires me and I came to a shocking conclusion. My life inspires my writing and my friends inspire me. My friends. Inspire. Me. They amaze me. And it was only when I realized it that I thought, I don't think I've ever had a group of friends in my life who inspire me.

I've had (and still do have) some really wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. I've had friends I admired, friends who influenced me, friends who shocked me, friends who made me laugh. I've had friends who were there through thick and thin, friends who showed up when husband almost died, who dragged me away from the hospital and tried to keep me together. I've had friends who I talked to every day and friends who I talked to once a year.

But this group right here, right now, they inspire the hell out of me. Inspire me to do good work, follow my dreams, write the chapters of my own life, and just by god keep it together. They show me every day what life is like when you live as an authentic person. When you are honest about your thoughts and your life with your friends and with yourself. I spent many years of my life not being authentic, trying to be someone else rather than just working figuring myself out. I always tried to fit in, one of the dangers of moving a lot as a kid, and I could morph into almost any situation with no problem. Except one big problem. I honestly had no idea who I was because I was always trying to match everyone around me.

I am so lucky to have these girls in my life. I am so lucky to be inspired and honored to be accepted just the way I am. Of course, they've made me completely unacceptable in general society because I am so used to our talks full of dirty language, brutal honesty, girlie love, sexual innuendo, and a general disrespect for silverware. (I'm looking at you, Beth!) That doesn't matter though, because they made me free to be myself, and that is the best gift you can give anyone.

I haven't been easy over the past 2 years. I know I've been "taking" a lot but I also know that I'm going to do and be better over the next 2 years. So thank you to all my friends. Seriously. You mean the world to me. Keep doing you, and I'll keep doing me. Wait, that sounded dirty....




PS After writing this, I scrolled through Facebook this morning and found these on my feed. It seemed appropriate to share them here.

Half a year

Five Minutes on a Sunday morning. With Jana's Thinking Place and Stream of Consciousness Sunday.



My thoughts are spinning this Sunday morning. So much has been going on this week. I find it harder and harder to keep up with it all.

This has been one hell of a month, actually hell of a year. I remember white knuckling it to finish out 2012 with hopes that this would be better. But no such luck.

Mom surgery, twice. Me surgery. Sis in law and mom in law surgery. Friend died. Friend diagnosed bi-polar. Friends divorced. Editor fired. I now have 2 jobs to do until further notice.

However, this year, for some reason, I feel that I've come into my own. Finally. Embraced who I am and what I stand for and embraced the fact that if people don't like that, they don't deserve to be my friend. I've met new people and forged friendships with them based on who and what I really, truly am.

2013 may go down in my history as a very complex year, or a very terrible year depending on how I choose to see it. Only time will tell.

That one thought

It's glorious, isn't it? That brief moment when you first wake up. Still somehow suspended in your dream world, emotionally. Mentally. Not yet aware of everything around you.

All it takes is one stray thought to pierce that bubble. One thought of everything you left behind when you went to sleep last night and it's all over with.

Yesterday someone told me something that was intended to make me feel secure. Funny thing is all it did was worry and upset me the rest of the day. Sometimes ignorance is bliss sometimes, isn't it?

I worried about it all evening until I went to bed teary eyed, a domino chain of potential problems stretched out before me. This thing, this fact, brought up old feelings. Old issues, things I had forgotten. This thing made me feel overwhelmed with everything in my life. Completely out of control. It caused me to worry about future events and, worse, it made me feel alone.


This morning I was lying in bed, still half in my dream world. Whether my dreams were good or bad I don't remember. It doesn't matter. One thing is always consistent in my dreams. There is no backstory. There is no history. It's like I step into whatever scenario with no baggage. No memories, no attachments.

When I woke up there was just me in my bed. I was peaceful and happy. I wasn't thinking about anything, really. Until that one stray thought charged through my brain. And I began fretting on it all over again.

***Blogger's note: This post is not about my marriage. It is not about the "thing" I was told. It is about anxiety, and the randomness of it.***

10 Things I Hate

I have to admit, I am not your normal everyday American citizen. I have had a strange and interesting life full of strange and interesting people, places, and events. And it ain't over yet.

I have opinions that are my own, and I am not afraid to express them. I have beliefs that are my own, and I am not embarrassed to defend them. I like things that other people find weird (apparently) and things that are embraced by the masses do not always appeal to me.

I will admit sometimes this is just a stubborn "I don't wanna be like everyone else" attitude (like with the iPhone) but sometimes it's just that I really don't get or like said thing. For instance, last night I was talking with someone who REALLY loves the Beatles.

Now, I know. They are iconic. Hallowed ground. I get it. Legends, changed music, society, all that. I give them respect. But I? Don't care for the Beatles. There I said it. Call me un-American or whatever. I just don't like them, particularly the later stuff.

I will admit, I have immense respect for Paul McCartney as a singer/songwriter, and I love his later music. I have so much admiration for John Lennon who I feel died way too soon and could have changed the world. I can't even THINK the lyrics of "Imagine" without getting a lump in my throat.  I have respect for the drumming of Ringo Starr and I loved George Harrison's solo stuff in the 80's. But seriously. Yellow Submarine? Could there BE a worse song?

Not that anyone cares, but I feel in a confessing sort of mood today. Here's a list of 10 other things I hate that most people like:

1. Glee the tv show not the emotion which I am very much in favor of.
I just do NOT get it. I don't. I've watched it, I've tried to like it, I even wanted to like it because everyone was raving about it. I just don't. No matter how much I love Jane Lynch, the show is irredeemable to me.

2. Fight Club the movie not an actual fight club which I am neutral on.
My blogger buddy Lance (over at MyBlogCanBeatUpYourBlog) will get me for this one. I don't get it. At all. I don't get it to the infinite boundaries of not getting things. I never saw it when it first came out, but husband and I watched it recently and I was just stunned at the fact that every man I've met worships this movie about randomly pummeling your friends. I couldn't help thinking the entire way through that it was the single most homo-erotic movie I've watched (and far less redeeming Brokeback Mountain, which I think is one of the most heartbreaking love stories ever). But that's just me.

3. NASCAR 'nuff said, you know what I'm talkin' bout
I can't even really write comments here. EVERYONE I know seems to love watching cars go round and round and round. It's a lifestyle here in the south and I promise you the most unexpected people are NASCAR fans, so I will just say. Again. I don't get it. And leave it at that. I do need a job at some point in the future, and I fear anti-NASCAR remarks showing up in a google search will kill my chances far quicker than any nude photo ever would.

4. Gone With the Wind yeah, you heard me!
This one will get my southerner card revoked. Quick. But I think that movie is a total snooze. Despite that, as a master procrastinator and lazy southern women who wants to be pampered, Scarlett is my hero! I wish I could be that clueless and impractical.

5. 16 and 17  18  what? 19 and Counting? seriously???
I could go on for days about the disgust I have for this family/show/husband. I see nothing admirable or attractive about these people and how they have  he has chosen to litter the world with their offspring, but it's probably best just to say. Again. I don't get it. Same with Kate plus 8 but for very different reasons.

6. Pretty much every old movie, like, ever. Black and white, color, it doesn't matter.
I will admit I am a product of my generation. Old movies move way too slow for me. I always tried to like them because when I was younger I tended to date guys who were into things like that. But it wasn't until I saw the movie Crash that I realized why. They are just too slow for me. I don't like them and it's....ok.

7. Brad Pitt the actor/heartthrob, not the activist
I feel somehow less womanly admitting this. I do not find Brad Pitt attractive in any sort of sexual way. He does wonderful work with his money, so good on him. I think he's pretty, and that's fine. And I've been told (mostly by People magazine) he's sexy, but I don't see it. And honestly? I don't think he's that great of an actor. . Angelina, however, goes on my list of girl crushes. She's amazing.

8. Line "Dancing" ...seriously...
White people. This is not dancing. Stop it. Immediately.

9. Twilight "tread lightly, Marsha. you WILL be attacked by Team Edward."
Ok. I really have to think through my hatred of all things Twilight just to realize whether I really dislike it or if I am merely reacting to the over the top-ed-ness of the fandom. The first I knew/heard about it was by watching a report on Stephenie Meyer on CBS Sunday Morning. I was amazed and completely impressed that she had picked up and written and gotten published her first novel. And had such overwhelming success, it's pretty amazing. And to hear her talking about the books, I was impressed and intrigued by her changes and the fresh take on the vampire world.

But then, I read the first book. Well, attempted to read it. It was very imaginative but I just didn't like it. I am no literary genius, and I hate reading books that are too wordy and complicated, but I just didn't like her writing. At all. And then, I was dragged to see the second installment in the movie theatre and oh, wow. What horrible acting, Bella. You need to eat something, Edward and oh, by the way, you are far too pretty. What boring dialogue. I couldn't stand it and I couldn't sit through another one. This however stands as a testament of my love for the 2 girlfriends who I went with to see it.

10. Ventriloquists
Seriously, this is just creepy beyond any explanation. I don't understand the fascination that led an America's Got Talent ventriloquist to win his own show in Las Vegas. Don't get me wrong. Out of all the ventriloquists out there? Terry Fator is far and away the most highly impressive one I've ever seen. But seriously, folks! It's a grown man with his hand up a puppet's ass pretending he's not just talking to some imaginary friend. It's not right.

So that's it. I could go on but let me just get in all the trouble I can get into with these first 10. I really do feel much better getting it off my chest. How about you? Anything the whole world loves that you hate?