Cancer, You Bitch

So of course I missed the deadline for posting in this week's 100 Word Challenge. Mainly because I chose to write about something extremely close and personal to me and I have fussed and fawned and worried about the words, each one chosen with meaning. When it came right down to it, I just couldn't post it at the time. But here it is in a very raw form.

Thinking of her I see her as she's always been; calm, serene, beautifully confident and quiet. She flashes that Mona Lisa smile, leaving you to wonder. She is a woman who was born to be a mother. She is a teacher and student, a storyteller and listener.

I am sure she has faults, we all do don't we? But she far surpasses any attempt I've ever made at being a good human being. Now, she wages war with her own body. War from which I know she will return victorious. Stronger than ever. She will fight with a strength and calmness that ever eludes me.

Recently I found out that a friend, not one I am extremely close to (just because of circumstance and geography) but nevertheless one who will always hold a very, very special place in my heart, is facing some health issues. She's in her early 40's, like me, and has two beautiful young girls, unlike me. She and her husband have been together basically since college. A couple weeks ago I was shocked and saddened to hear the news that she had cancer.

I still remember the first time I met her, and I remember thinking that she was everything I aspired to be. Calm, rational, a skilled writer, a talented artist, accepting of everyone, patient and understanding. We had always been "friends of friends" you know how that is? How your friends that you are close to have other circles of friends. You see them all the time at group things, but don't really contact them except through the mutual friends. Anyway, this had been our relationship. One day, I just called her up and asked if she'd go to dinner and talk with me one night.

So we did and ended up laughing, enjoying, and really getting to know each other. She laughed when she told me that she thought I could be her long lost sister. We had so many of the same hang-ups, insecurities, loves, passions and interests. However, I left the table that night thinking how I could only aspire to be who she was. To me, she was so.... Kimberly. Zen. Serene. Loving. Accepting.

When I think of that damned cancer inside her, it makes me furious; hot, wet tears come rolling down my face. Damned. Cancer. Why do you pick on someone who brings so much love and light into the world? Why can't you go chew up and spit out someone who is dead inside, someone who is dark inside, someone who has nothing to give to anyone.

So I dedicate a song today (stealing my friend Lance's schtick). If it were Kimberly's she might pick something soothing and calm. But that's not me. I heard this on the radio last night and decided it was perfect. Campy. Angry. Angsty. And the guys look like we all looked when we met in the mid-90's.

Yes, I dedicate my song to Cancer. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I wish you would vanish forever and stop hurting the people we love. Please enjoy Ugly Kid Joe hating everything about Cancer. And blow up dolls.
We love you, Kimmy!

Day 3. Shameless eating.

Day 3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.

Hmmm. Well, I would DO this if it weren't already a way of life for me.

I have ridiculous eating habits. Right now I am sitting here next to a pile of candy wrappers. Yes, my breakfast today was assorted caramels, chocolate kisses, and tootsie rolls. I ate them from a bowl in my lap while watching last night's big brother and muttering to myself about how effing annoying Brendan and Rachel are. Not to mention fake.

Some days I get up craving cheesy pasta. So I make it. For breakfast. Some days I have nothing but coffee and water all day until dinner time. Some days I eat fast food. Other days I eat things like chips and dip all day. I can go a week without consuming a vegetable. I will eat yogurt then follow it with a cookie or piece of cake.

I am seriously eff'd up when it comes to food. I am not sure exactly when it spun out of control, I wasn't always this way. I mean, I've always had the binge tendencies. Even when I was a kid. But up until about 10 years ago, I was able to keep it under control. I did used to eat like a normal person. I did used to think about a balanced diet, healthful foods, and calorie and fat content. But I always had the thought in the back of my head that I just couldn't see myself living that way forever. Having to think and plan and worry about everything that went in my mouth. Measuring and weighing and starving myself to stay not only healthy but at a healthy weight of around 125 (or so I thought).

Now I will be the first to admit. I don't obsess with the number on the scale. I remember clearly weighing 125 and still constantly thinking that my thighs were too fat or my stomach a bit flabby. Looking back at pictures I was almost skin and bones, I don't even recognize myself. Because of that I learned that it's all in your head. It's what you believe yourself to be.

I just lost a lot of weight. I spent the summer of 2010 in hard core deprivation mode. I had crept into the obese realm and didn't want to stay there anymore so I dove in feet first. I do not regret doing it, or losing the 70+ pounds that I lost. I still would like to be a couple sizes smaller than I am now, but to be honest? I am more comfortable with my body now than I have been in a long time.

But that doesn't change the fact that I still don't care enough to monitor my food. I have food issues, this I know. Food addictions, problems relating to the consumption of food and the euphoria I feel when eating. The filling up of that "something" inside. My 16 weeks of weight loss proves to me that I do have the capacity to eat what I should, leave what I shouldn't and get to a healthy weight. But being able to do something and actually doing it every day is something else entirely, isn't it?

Why do I have the issues I have? Your guess is as good as mine. It could be that everything else in my life is out of control now and the only thing I can control is my food. It could be that I am sinking back to depression and using it as a mood elevator. It could be that I just have an addictive personality and I just turn to food rather than drugs, gambling, or alcohol to get that high.

Whatever the case, I don't need the challenge to allow me to eat what I want any and every day. I am doing a fine job of that on my own, thank you.

Day 2: Look a fool

I do things every day that make me look a fool. But here is some pictorial evidence of such:

I blame my mom.

OK, I did this one to myself.
Didn't want to be outdone by 'Retha!

This one was birthday humiliation.
Thanks, friends who shall remain nameless. 

At the holiday card photo shoot.
What is with that look?

There seems to be a common theme of hats in most of these. I wear a lot of hats. (Literally and figuratively.) Anyway, not quite sure how else to look a fool. Most of what I do that makes me look like a fool defies explanation. I do stupid stuff every day that doesn't get captured, thank goodness.

Day 1. I have no TV shame.

I have been a television addict from the beginning. I have no problem admitting it. As much as I love to read, and I do LOVE to read, I also love me some TV. When I was a kid, I would read the TV guide cover to cover, complete the crossword, and memorize the schedules for every night of the week. This isn't as big a feat as it may seem to some when you consider that we had like 5 channels back in my prehistoric, pre-cable childhood.

I lived for the nights when there was a "block" of shows so I didn't have to get up to change the channel. Back then, kids didn't have their own television. In fact, there was only one in the house. In our house anyway. So the entire family had to watch the same thing. If I had a channel change in my preferred lineup there was always a chance that my mom or dad would veto it and I would end up missing "Welcome Back, Kotter" or "The Bionic Woman". And oh, lord, the summertime when nothing was on but baseball for what seemed like weeks on end. That could account for my disdain for the sport as an adult.

I am pretty open with what I watch or don't watch on TV. I have friends who are appalled at the amount of TV I watch, and friends who probably watch more than I do. I watch all sorts of reality TV like Big Brother, Survivor and the Amazing Race. But I also reject other shows like The Bachelor/ette, The Biggest Loser, Real Housewives and Dancing with the Stars. I am all over some American Pickers, Antiques Roadshow, Storage Wars and my newest obsession, Auction Kings.  I HATE stuff like Jon & Kate, Sister Wives and all of those baby and pregnancy related shows. Ugh. Probably my biggest current guilty pleasure is Mob Wives. It's like the best. Ever.

But with today's confession I want to go back in time to 1998 to the only show I have ever watched and hidden the fact that I watched it. My husband and I had been married about 4 years and were in our first home. We bought a new TV for the living room and put our old one in hubby's office upstairs along with his computer. Now I have to admit, I was late to the party, and I didn't ever get on the computer at home back then. (I know some of you will find this hard to believe) So the office was all his. It wasn't unusual for him to go up there to either watch the History channel in peace or play games on the computer.

I got used to having the living room television to myself and started watching a particular show. For some reason hubby was always upstairs watching something else on Wednesdays at the same time, and I didn't want him to know that I was watching this show. It was sort of cheesy, campy, and probably I was way too old to be interested in it. I was embarrassed to admit to him or to anyone that I tuned into "Charmed" every single week and watched the three sisters named Prue, Piper and Phoebe fight demons using terrible special effects and embarrassing sound effects. I was totally addicted and I have to admit, I am getting embarrassed to even admit it now, years later.

Look at Shannen.
She's so deliciously bitchy!

Now, I have to admit that I only ever started watching this show because of Shannen Doherty. I fully admit to having a girl crush on her that goes all the way back to the movie "Heathers" in the late '80's. Of course I was a HUGE Beverly Hills 90210 fan like everyone else my age in the early 90's. But since Brenda left her twin Brandon, boyfriend Dylan, and bff Kelly for London, I just didn't get enough of the bad girl Shannen. Yes, she's the original hot mess. Impossible, temperamental, and a little bit crazy. But aren't we all?

So back to Charmed. One night I was watching it, after several months of hiding from hubby. He happened to walk through on his way upstairs and caught the opening sequence, much to my embarrassment. He smiled at me and I was expecting a smart ass remark. 

"Have you been watching Charmed all this time?" he asked.

"I.. um...well....sometimes, maybe, yeah." I stammered.

He started laughing and said, "That's what I've been going upstairs to watch every Wednesday night. I didn't think you'd like it!"

Turns out he had a thing for Alyssa Milano ever since she was Sam on "Who's the Boss". Ever since that day, we practice full disclosure with our little TV indiscretions. Just because you never know. 

My life, honestly....

If Garth Can Be Shameless, Surely I Can Too

Because of @TlanceB I have gotten dragged into this meme. Maybe it's because of Lance. Or maybe it's because I could never stand for the other kids to be cooler than me. Or uncooler than me. Or perhaps it's just that I hate being left out of anything.

When I was in my first year of college, I lived in a freshman dorm where the rooms were arranged in “suites” of 4 rooms and a large bathroom with several sinks and showers. Each room housed a pair of girls and the suite had a living room for us all to use. It was a pretty nice setup and I have to admit that although I thought my roommate was completely weird, I loved all of my other suitemates. Except eventually that girl from Texas got to us all. Then we hated her. But for the most part we all had fun and got along really well, doing everything together.

The first thing you have to know about me is that I very nearly failed most of my classes that first semester. I have never been very disciplined about homework, mainly because I was never really taught proper study skills. I made good grades, a's and b's with very little effort in high school. So I thought I could continue that into my college experience. Boy was I wrong.

However, I loved the social nature of our setup and loved spending the evenings after dinner hanging out with the girls in my suite. We'd talk about anything and everything. At first it would be the 6 of us, then one by one we'd drift off to bed or to study. I WOULD not go to bed until everyone else did. I couldn't do it. It got to the point where it was a joke. My friend Mary C. would get into bed and say “turn out the light for me, would you?” Yep. I was THAT person.

So I haven't been 'round the bloggy-sphere much lately, I have to admit. My reader is crammed full of catchup reading and I have even been neglecting the blogs that make me laugh hystericallly. I am ashamed. And I hate that I am missing out on my cyber friends lives. I don't know why I haven't been around. Part of me feels like my depression may be coming back. Another part of me thinks it maybe never left. And another part of me says that I need a swift kick in the ass and to just get out and get over it. (maybe that voice is just my mom)

So when I read the other day on Lance's blog that he was doing this 30 day meme I was excited. As I read over the list I realized that these topics were things I would enjoy and could be up for writing about every day. So the list is as follows:

30 Days of Shamelessness

1. declare your love for an uncool TV show.
2. look a fool.
3. eat. Whatever you feel like eating.
4. waste time.
5. declare your love for an uncool movie.
6. act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid.
7. share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.
8. sweat.
9. expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.
10. declare your love for an uncool band.
11. dress to show some skin.
12. share about a health struggle.
13. speak up about something crap that was done to you.
14. hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
15. dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that.
16. spend money on a non-necessity or share a financial struggle.
17. discuss the reality of your work situation.
18. brag.
19. share details about a bodily function or fluid.
20. talk about sex
21. express a strong feeling.
22. set a boundary.
23. air one of your secrets.
24. share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
25. ask for help.
26. make a mistake.
27. express a dissenting opinion.
28. discuss a failure.
29. look a fool.
30. name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them…

Join in if you like.  Let me know in the comments if you think you might so I can follow along. I think this will be a good way for me to get back into writing and reading all my favorite blogs. I will cover all 30 days, though they may not be 30 days in a row. I shall do my best. Honestly....

Here's to Hope!

Last night Nashville television viewers said goodbye to long time local sports anchor Hope Hines. Hope was a staple, having been on the air at Nashville's CBS affiliate since the early 1970's. I don't mind saying, that's about as long as I can remember.

For whatever reason, during all my years in Nashville I was a "News Channel 5" girl. If I turned on the evening news it was for then national anchor Dan Rather, and if I turned on local news it was to see Chris Clark, Amy Marsalis, Ron Howes, and Hope Hines. I am not sure what fixed this preference, although my parents still watch all their news on Channel 5 so it must have started there.

One thing I found interesting during our move to Pennsylvania is how attached we become to our local anchors and other news people. In the beginning it was disconcerting enough to have to watch news in an area I knew nothing about. I didn't get the traffic reports, I didn't know the townships or the local officials. Harrisburg was a much smaller market than Nashville and their newsrooms (and the on-air broadcasters) seemed like amateur hour in comparison to those in Nashville. Add to that being in a different time zone and having the evening news come on at 11 rather than 10....well, I felt like my life was in an uproar.

When you think about it, we allow these people into our homes every day. They bring us the information we need to plan, to live, and to be informed about what is going on in our community. Although now I am about an hour from Nashville, I still watch the Nashville news every morning and evening. There's something so comforting about being back and being able to watch those familiar faces again. Even though Chris Clark (legendary local news anchor since the 60's) retired while we were gone, they did me the favor of hiring a younger look-a-like version, just to keep us all comfortable.

I remember years ago hubby and I were in the Carribean, winding up the vacation from hell. (that's an entire post on its own) We moved into a nice hotel for the final 2 days of our vacation after sleeping 3 nights in an outdoor cabin on a mountainside with nothing but a concrete floor, a roof, and screened walls around it. When we arrived at our luxurious room and both took long, hot showers and each collapsed on our own clean fluffy bed. We were so delighted to turn on the TV and find who else but Chris Clark doing the Nashville news via satellite. There was something about that which provided comfort and allowed us to relax and enjoy our final two days. I can't explain it.

So here's to Hope Hines and all the other local news people. You let us all in. Let us all feel as though we somehow know you. Thank you for coming into our homes everyday and keeping us informed. And sometimes making us laugh. Watching the tribute show last night it seemed apparent that Hope was every bit as congenial in real life as he is on the screen. Always joking, willing to be humble and laugh at himself, and friendly with everyone around him.

What am I gonna do this football season? No Coach Fisher. No Hope Hines. It's not gonna be right. Mike Keith, you better not retire anytime soon. There's only so much change a girl can deal with.

We're gonna miss ya', Hope! And JB, too!

Split Apart

Today's post is my entry into this week's 100 Word Challenge, hosted by Velvet Verbosity. The 100 Word Challenge is an exercise in which we write exactly 100 words in response to the weekly prompt word. Click the link to read the other entries–good stuff over there!

This week's prompt was “split”.

Doesn't she know her words cause me pain? Real, true, stabbing icy pain in the pit of my stomach. If she did, would she cast them so carelessly? Purposely? I feel my heart deflate as my eyes fill with hot, stinging tears. Suddenly, the realization hits me and I feel like I've been split apart by talons in my soft underbelly. 

What I want to say I cannot. Instead, I simply say quietly, “I feel so sorry for you. I really do." 

She is missing out on the real person I am by always regretting the perfect person I'm not.