In a Flash of Light

One day last week I decided to walk my normal route, only in reverse. The things I noticed today were different, views different, even which dogs barked at me were different. For the first time -ever- I truly get the fact that a change in scenery really can refresh or reset your mind's eye and allow you to see things in a new way. Even just a new perspective on the same scenery can do the same. My walk seemed to fly by more quickly than usual, and I saw homes I had never noticed before. 

I feel like the last month has been about changing scenery for me. It all started in mid-April. I had been debating for months inside my head as to whether or not I wanted to attend the Southern Kentucky Book Festival, even going so far as to email a writer I know to ask if he had attended it. (He never answered me but that is another subject) I was leaning toward no, but at the very last moment my plans changed, and there I was with my husband enjoying the heck out of hearing these authors read their work and talking to them about the process, frustrations, etc. of writing. It was such an immense (and unexpected) joy for me to be there with others who enjoy reading and writing as much as I do, or more most likely. I realize it sounds ridiculous, but meeting these people in person, chatting with them, hearing about their struggles and insecurities, it really made them seem real. They are real. Real people, like me. Just like me, with one major exception. They, at one point, found the courage to put themselves out there. Raw, naked, bare for the world to see. That is something I have not been able to do. Until now. 

Now, my attitude changes. Now, I know that with determination, persistence, and some hard work I really CAN do anything I want to do and I CAN make a living at it. They did. So can I. I already went back to school at 38 to obtain a graphic design degree and I did it. I love designing, and I impressed myself at being able to have a new career mid-way through my life. What stops me from expanding myself even more?

By the end of that weekend I realized that I am tired of settling for a life that isn't the one I want. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, why can't I also have a career that makes me happy? Why can't I also be a writer? An author. A real, live author? Why can't I call myself a writer? Why can't I put myself out there, just a little bit, take a chance, take some risk to get my reward– The chance at success in something I have always wanted to do, but had forgotten. Yep. My life changed, right then. On April 17, 2010. I will remember the date. I am taking my life back.

• Back from my mom and dad's expectations
• Back from everyone who ever laughed at me or ridiculed me.
• Back from that Bitch inside my head who fills me with self–doubt.
• Back from society's “acceptable” standards.
• Back from the mental compartments I feel that I have to “fit in”.
• Back from my accounting teacher who said I needed a career I could actually get paid in, and that wasn't English or the arts.
• Back from my college advisor who could have cared less if I wanted to change my major from accounting to English and really,     really needed, ya'know, advising.

The only people I listen to now are...well, me! and...

• My steadfast, reassuring, always encouraging husband. 
• My friends who have always encouraged me to write (Kimberly, Laurie, Lori, Debbie)
• My college instructors who always gave me A's on research papers.
• My Toastmaster group, who were so encouraging and loved my stories, convincing me that I am a natual storyteller.
• And Lisa Patton (the author of Whistlin' Dixie in a Nor'easter, not the Nashville weather woman) who told me: “Honey, if I can do it, anyone can do it, and that includes you!” She will never. ever. know what that phrase meant to me. Because even though I heard it a bazillion times, and she probably said it to a bazillion people before me, I knew. That day. That moment. That sunny Saturday afternoon that she, of course, was absolutely right.

April 17, 2010 is my moment. So, this is how I am changing my view, in broad strokes. The particulars will of course remain private to me, but this is fair enough to share.

1. Get a job, any job, so I can quit worrying and obsessing over bills being paid on time.

2. Get my house organized and clean so it can be a refuge, an oasis for me.

3. Take a 30 minute walk every. single. day. to keep my mind fresh and clear.

4. Be truly kind to myself in though, word and deed. (How bad is it that I have never thought to make this a goal?)

5. Eat only what is powerful energy food.

6. Schedule 3 hours per day for writing and designing/creating. Minimum.

7. Appreciate everything I have everyday in every way possible.


So this, my dear friends, is the closest I have ever come to having a long-term goal, a life plan, whatever you want to call it. I just call it vision. Vision of what I really want out of life. I truly have not ever had that before. And although it took me 42 years to get here, I like it. I like the view.